Dear Reader: In March, 2015 I started a series entitled Meet Private Beetle Bailey’s Protege. Beetle helped me so much as I stumbled through my Army experience that once the series concluded, I hired Beetle as my assistant to filter the letters I receive and forward those that require a reply to me. Beetle has asked me to expand his horizons by adding responsibilities to his job description. This came at a perfect time because I have planned to expand my staff and would like to hire someone to investigate stories that may be of interest to our readers…Jeff
Dear Jeff: I received your request to search for an assistant to provide facts to you for future articles. I ran ads in several Berks-Mont Newspapers and have come to one of several conclusions because the number of replies was voluminous: the classified section of the Berks-Mont Newspapers is extremely effective; the pay for the position is exorbitant; there is a glut of wannabe writers or your reputation precedes you as being a wonderful boss. Enclosed is the best of the best of applications. Hopefully, Miss Virginia Witherspoone is just the applicant you are looking for…Beetle Bailey
Dear Mr. Hall: I am replying to your recent classified concerning a job opening because I feel like I am the perfect candidate for the position. My name is Victoria Witherspoone (the second “e” in my last name is silent, thank you very much). In case you are wondering, my last name used to be Guggenheime, of German background, until my parents traced my family tree on Ancestry.com and found out we were mostly of English heritage so they changed our last name to Witherspoone. They named me Victoria after the Queen of England, who reigned from 1837 to 1901 and was known for her strict standards of personal morality.
We have certainly advanced (or degenerated) rapidly from the time of the Watergate debacle in the 1970s to the Wikileaks era of today. Since it seems like so much information can be obtained from crimes committed via computer today, it is time to turn back the clock (without telling anybody) to the Russian spy methods of yesteryear in order to gather information. This carries us back to
Henry Cabot Lodge, the United States Ambassador to the United Nations, when, in 1960, he accused Russia of spying on the United States embassy in Russia via many listening devices. As the devices were shown, the Soviet representative on the Security Council chuckled often during Lodge’s presentation and then asked, “From what plays were these props taken and when will it open?” (http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/united-states-charges-soviets-with-espionage). Let me tell you, if I were gathering the information for the Soviets, this claim by the United States would never have happened. I hesitate to tell you this, but I am a Ladybug.
I hope you do not laugh or are getting ready to disqualify me from the position I am applying for until you read my very valid argument. There are a host of reasons why I am the perfect one for the job. First, I am so cute and whimsical that everybody likes me. Even the farmers are quite fond of me because I eat plant-eating insects like aphids and in so doing protect their crops. Second, I am adored worldwide. Even though my family corrected my heritage from German to English, Volkswagen was so fond of me that from 1938 to 2003 they sold over 21 and a half million VW Bugs! (a fair number of them painted red with black dots to resemble me). As the Website indicated: “That’s a lot of bugs running around.” (http://blog.nancyteaguestudio.com/2010/09/how-many-volkswagon-beetles-sold-what.html). Third, I can be very deceptive as well as defensive. I can play dead so nobody bothers me. I can also secrete an unappealing substance if someone tries to harm me. Fourth, even though I do make a sound, it cannot be heard by humans. Go ahead; put that obnoxious horsefly’s buzzzzing sound up against my silence! And finally, I would be much more valuable to you because a horsefly’s life expectancy is 15 to 30 days. I, on the other hand, could live for nearly a year. You know the old saying: “Oh, what I’d give to be a fly on the wall.” This statement could mean two entirely different things. First, the person saying it would like to be there secretly to hear what happens (good fodder for your articles). Second, to learn why and how decisions are made by politicians and what they actually think of their constituents. If spotted, the fly spy would be handled immediately with a flyswatter. However, have you ever heard of a
Ladybug swatter? Of course not! Therefore I would survive to let you know what I have learned.
Because of all of the above qualities/skills, I could surreptitiously go into any environment and get the “scoop” by observing the subject(s) and return information to you for an article. I rest my case!……. Miss Victoria Witherspoone.
Dear Miss Victoria Witherspoone (with the second “e” silent): Thank you so much for your inquiry into the position of an “Observer” to gather material for my columns. You certainly presented an interesting history of your family name. It was nice that Queen Victoria was known for her morality. However, I have recently seen a photograph of her and I must say your appearance is far superior to hers. I liked the thoroughness of your writing, your knowledge of modern history, your versatility and your style of writing. With all that being said, I have two words to say to you: “YOU’RE HIRED”.
I look forward to a healthy working relationship with you in the future as you provide many “new scoops” for me…..Mr. Jeff Hall (that’s with a short “e”).
