Dear Private Beetle Bailey:I thought I would turn the tables on you. In my first Mailbag article I was completely stunned after I hired you to answer correspondence from my readers, and the very first letter was written by you. However, most of your letter was right on so I thought I would come back to you for assistance with a problem I have been having for some time.
I have a friend, Charlie, who reads my column in the Tri County Record every week. I only see Charlie about every two weeks. Every time I see him, he takes me to task about my articles. He lets me know, “This article is weak” or “That article is stupid.” In rare instances when he likes the article, he will give all the credit to my wife, Barb. I should never have told Charlie that Barb proofreads my articles. Of course, this is a big ego deflator for me because Barb approaches her proofreading seriously. She always catches me using/not using a gerund properly. Being the political thinker I am, I’ve always thought a gerund had something to do with gerrymandering. By the time she is done explaining it, my head is spinning. In preparation for writing this, I decided I had better find out what a gerund is by checking Wikipedia, which took 94 words and 564 characters (including spaces) to tell me I still have no idea what the word means or how to use it. I’m also a sucker for placing the period outside quotation marks, when it should almost always be inside the quotation marks.
Charlie also leans on me heavily about why I didn’t make a career out of the Army since I had such a cushy job. I was ashamed to tell him that I was too homesick to carry the Service charade on any longer. Of course before leaving Charlie, he always tells me that he doesn’t discriminate against anyone. He gives everybody he likes a hard time. If this is the case, I must be Charlie’s BFF&E (Best Friend Forever and Ever).
And finally, Beetle, I don’t know if it’s true, but I’ve been told there is an inexpensive camera that makes you look like a movie star by making you look 20 years younger by removing all lines, blemishes and, in my case, freckles. I think I will tell the Tri County Record if they ever run a photo of me again they had better invest in such a camera.
The times they ran a photo of me, Charlie always complained about having a truckload of papers dumped in his driveway because nobody liked how I looked!
So what do you think Beetle, can you help solve my problem? I must be a glutton for punishment because I still think Charlie is a nice guy.
With much gratitude, your greatest admirer,
Jeff Dear “Columnist” Jeff:Your situation is bleak! Instead of going to summer school in ninth grade for Algebra, you should have taken English. I have a few suggestions for you that could ease the situation with Charlie. One, stop writing and turn the job over to Barb who will produce a more professional column. Two, take English in summer school in 2016 (but I don’t know that it will help you much). Three, move out of state and write for another paper. Four, buy a mansion and a one way ticket for Charlie to Hawaii. Five, get in touch with the paper and tell them not to deliver to Charlie. And finally, never talk with Charlie again (or for that matter, me).
I hope this helps. Just remember three strikes and you’re out. Army, “STRIKE ONE!” Columnist, “STRIKE TWO!”… What’s next?
By the way Jeff, you may want to check back with me in the future. I may be able to find you a job that you are better qualified for!
Your disappointed hero,Private Beetle Bailey
Jeff Hall, of Honey Brook, contributes columns to Berks-Mont Newspapers.