Hello, my name is Rodney! My parents named me that after the comedian Rodney Dangerfield who had the signature line in his jokes: “I don’t get no respect.” Now listen, I have been in a pencil holder on my owner’s desk for years, hiding behind a pair of scissors, a letter opener and several pens. My owner is out right now and as I secretly peered through the big loop of the scissors’ handle, I have learned much that my owner doesn’t know about because I was oblivious to him. Why, I even know how to use his computer! Although I am so proud of myself, I would rather write to you in longhand. This way is faster for me and I don’t know when he will return. The only thing that slows me up a bit is I must use the “hunt and peck” method while using the computer keyboard and the pressing down on the keys with my eraser is giving me a headache. However, I think the results will be worth it.
If you were to check my genealogy, you would be amazed. I don’t have time to recite all of the details and I’m still investigating, but I can tell you that in the 1500s a graphite mine was discovered in England. The graphite was reduced to small rods that were placed in hand carved wooden holders. The 1500s, that’s a long time ago, even before the Declaration of Independence! However, those signers of the Declaration of Independence were too highfalutin so they had to use a quill pen. I wasn’t good enough. In 1839, I reached my full potential when Goodyear developed the rubber eraser. I was so far ahead of the times that it took all the way until 1913 for the mechanical pencil to be invented. So, give me some respect won’t you?
You know, we pencils are not so different from the rest of the human race. We come in all shapes, toughness, sizes and colors just like you. Our shapes may be hexagonal, semi-hexagonal, round or triangular, each having pros and cons, depending on who is using them and the task at hand.
We also have at least five kinds of lead hardness: #1, #2, #2.5, #3 and #4, starting with the #1 pencil and going to the #4 pencil. This would be equivalent to your bodies being muscular in physique (#1), so that no one would want to mess with you, to flabby (#4), where the kid weighing several ounces less than you could probably push you over and break your lead.
We develop and deteriorate just as you do. We start small. Just look at the golf pencil. Personally, I think you use it when it is young because it is easier for the golfer to carry around. At that stage it doesn’t have any hair (eraser) so at the end of the round the golfer isn’t tempted to change his score on any hole just because he lost by one stroke. As time goes on, we get larger and stronger just like you. However, over the years, age (use) catches up with us too. We begin to get shorter and start losing our hair.
Fortunately, we can be individualistic also. We can wear different colored rubber grips around us to make us more fun to hold (similar to your jewelry). You use make-up and dyes to make yourself more attractive to your race. We can request to be painted different colors, be adorned with sparkles and even have your favorite sports team’s schedule printed on us. Okay, I know you can also take advantage of tattoos but I’m not into that. Actually, as a Dixon/Ticonderoga pencil, I like to be a “meat and potatoes” fellow presenting myself in a manly yellow.
If you still believe we should get no respect, you probably don’t realize how powerful we are. Many voting precincts still use a paper ballot with ovals to fill in with a pencil to vote for your favorite candidates. With the state that our national politics is in, I’m starting to think maybe we should change this procedure. We, as pencils, may determine what college you attend because we are used in the college readiness assessment ACT and SAT tests. We could determine if you receive the job you applied for since you also many times will take tests using a pencil in your area of expertise. We have been able to help get criminals off the street by having a police artist use a pencil to sketch an alleged suspect from a description provided by an eye witness. We are also forgiving and pass this characteristic on to our owners at times. Several times an elderly lady, a friend of my owner, used the derogatory term calling him a “pencil pusher” just because he worked in an office instead of making things like her husband used to do. I’ll have you know both I and my owner forgave that dear but wrong lady!
On the lighter side, Johnny Carson, former host of the “Tonight Show,” used to flip pencils in the air as a gimmick while making funny facial expressions. Of course, so no injury would occur, the pencil had erasers on both ends. Johnny Carson has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame as does Rodney Dangerfield, the guy that finally got his respect. How about me, just plain Rodney? After all, I’m the one that took the beating and outlasted both of them!
Finally, decades ago, I and others like me, almost made my owner wealthy when he invested in Dixon Ticonderoga pencil stock. The price was so low that a lot of shares could be purchased for a low price. My stock price went up only 25 cents, he sold me and made $1,000, which he subsequently used to buy another stock and lost all his profits. I guess he just didn’t get the point.
The good news is I think I will be around for a while. My owner’s wife bought him a cheap electric pencil sharpener and he doesn’t know how to get it open to dispose of the pencil shavings so he doesn’t use it very often, and thus me either.
A last request: Please give me some much deserved R-E-S-P-E-C-T and it will be Hollywood here I come!
Jeff Hall, of Honey Brook, contributes columns to Berks-Mont Newspapers. Questions/comments may be directed to jeffreyhall77@comcast.net.
