There may be five people you meet in heaven, but there will be 15 people you meet at Thanksgiving Hell 2016.
Things are going to get a little testy around the turkey this year.
1) Your arch-conservative Cousin Paul who thinks he’s too smart for the room because he has the most money. He also has some thoughts about “those people” who “buy milk with food stamps and then get into their Mercedes” and he’s, if we’re being honest, just a teense bit racist about the whole thing and so when you call him out and say something like, “What do you mean, ‘those people,’ you mean minorities?” because that’s exactly who he means and then he throws his hands out in front of him and says, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, that’s you saying that, so who’s the racist here?” and then you quietly finish your glass of wine.
2) Cousin Paul’s wife Francesca, who will purse her lips and tsk-tsk you for even thinking her husband is a racist. Did you know she donates to the shelters? You didn’t know that, did you? It’s true. And so when you tell her how wonderful that is, and she starts talking about it, you realize she’s talking about the dog shelters.
3) Your blatantly racist Uncle Jack, and let’s face it America, we all have a blatantly racist Uncle Jack. It’s OK. This is America. This country was built by blatantly racist uncles. It’s just a thing. We’ll work through it together. Anyway, in the example above, he’d blurt out from the other side of the table, “Yeah, minorities. This country has gone to crap and thank god Donald Trump …” and you’ll go to your safe space in your mind, maybe even say “Beetlejuice” three times just in case.
4) Your oblivious Aunt Sue, Uncle Jack’s wife, who will say, “Oh Jack, stop it, let’s not talk politics at the table” which will invariably lead to the most heated political discussion in the history of mankind which will be led off by …
5) Your cousin Molly, who defines herself as an anarchist Wiccan supervegan and goes to Wellesley (and who is dating a stunningly gorgeous mixed race {seems like there’s some black, white, Asian, Indian, maybe a dash of Portuguese? Hard to say} bisexual she brought home for the weekend and who happens to be sitting across from you) and who will say in 3 … 2 … 1 …. “We’re thinking of moving to Papua New Guinea after we graduate. This country will be worse than Nazi Germany you just watch” which will then cause …
6) Your Grandpa Joe, who is 93 and a veteran of World War II, to just sadly shake his head and no one has the stones enough to ask him if he’s shaking his head because of the memories, because he thinks Molly is a moron, or because he thinks Molly is right.
7) Chamomile, Molly’s bisexual girlfriend, who also has a nose ring and a slammin’ body, if we’re being honest, and who hasn’t said much up until this point, and who will then say “Blippity boppity bloopity bloop.” To reiterate: She has a slammin’ body. Tough to hear the words. Something about passing the tofurkey, you think.
8) Your mom, who is always smiling and who bought the tofurkey special for her niece’s Molly “friend,” as she insists on referring to her as, and who has a ton of thoughts about all this, from Trump to racists to lesbian wiccan supervegans, but who will never say a damn word about any of it to anybody because she believes if you don’t talk about something it will magically go away. Aren’t moms the best?
9) Your dad, who is actually sleeping right now in his chair. Dads know where it’s at.
10) The perv who’s definitely staring too long at his cousin Molly’s “friend”: Oh wait, that’s me.
11) The wife of the perv who’s staring too long at his cousin Molly’s “friend”: Doing a lot of kicking underneath the table.
12) Assorted children: Not as cute as they were before you had your own kids.
13) Your brother: Probably getting high in the backyard.
14) Your sister: About ready to rip Uncle Jack a new one. She’s an ACLU lawyer. This is going to be epic.
15) God himself: Playing dice upstairs.
Jeff Edelstein is a columnist for The Trentonian. He can be reached at jedelstein@trentonian.com, facebook.com/jeffreyedelstein and @jeffedelstein on Twitter.
