A few years ago I wrote a column called 'NUMB SKULL' It was a discourse on the ludicrous claim that I am getting bald. This is to update the reputed inaccuracy. When a guy tells you getting bald is 'no big deal,' you can bet it's a BIG DEAL.
'Numb' is defined as being deprived of the power to feel- dead or asleep. 'Skull' means the bony framework of your head, the cranium, the brain-case.
No, this column is not about a person that is regarded as stupid. It's about baldness. I'm not going to criticize baldness because a balding minister once assured me that there is a religious reason for baldness. He told me that God in His infinite wisdom created millions and millions of heads, and those He was a bit ashamed of He covered with hair. Proof that God has a sense of humor.
So all right already, I'm getting gray. O.K. I admit it, I am gray.
So what, at my age I've earned every bit of the gray filament growing on the seat of my brain.
What do you mean, I'm also getting bald? Get outa here, I have a full head of hair, it's not a hairpiece!
Though my hair may be a bit strained, it's not dead. I alter the parting of the tinted filament on my noggin just a bit wider than most guys. I hereby dispute the aforementioned charge that I am getting bald.
Life being a game of gains and losses, we men tend to lose a bit on top and gain around the middle. The best thing for a baldheaded well-rounded guy is to be a sensible headed guy. I'd like to think I'm all of that. So all right already, I'm experiencing a bit of both, but only a bit.
Of course if you got the bucks to spend, male-pattern baldness can be 'cured.' Hair plugs can be inserted on your noggin at $297.00 a plug. You can also get strip-grafts at $1,500.00 a clip
There has been absolutely no increase or additional loss of the pigmented gray growing on my epidermis. In other words, 'I ain't losing any more hair!'
OK, so it's gray, but it's still there. I don't want to split hairs, or get into your hair, but I do want to defend the bare-heads of the world.
The unadorned destitute of hair. So it's thinning out, who wants fat hair?'
Later I reluctantly examined my coiffure in my three-way mirror. 'Ye gads, horrors!' What do I do now? How can I live with this? EASY! I'm 86 so who cares?
When I told an old buddy of mine that split hairs do present a problem, he agreed, 'Tell me about it, mine split years ago.'
My original column was prompted by something my dear wife observed. 'Charles, you are getting thin on top.' She considered that to be her gentle way of telling me I'm losing my hair and getting a shiny top. (who wants fat hair anyway?)' Who gives a shrug?'
My wife like all women, is lucky. They seldom get bald. However a definite thinning frequently occurs as they advance in years.
Occasionally a woman exhibiting the physical characteristics of age will counter the loss of hair by wearing their undulated curls shorter. Most will claim it's merely a convenient way to avoid dealing with long hair.
Heck, I was forced to do that back in my Navy days. Even my crewcuts had to be thinned out. 'Those were the days my friend, I thought they'd never end.'
Maybe if I were to continue to incur further loss of my gossamer locks, I'll call a guy I know that makes great rugs. It might just be that a brown hairpiece could take ten years off my looks. (or make me look 10 years sillier. I wouldn't want to-pay for that)
On second thought a can of that spray junk they advertise on television might work-or maybe not. Or, I'll start wearing a cap all the time. Yeah, that's what I'll do!
Finally I thought: 'Why not ask a dermatologist how I can avoid falling hair?'
He said, 'Stand back out of the way.'
Maybe I'll send for some of that color spray-on junk they advertise on T.V., or just start wearing a hat all the time. Yeah, that's what I'll do!
I was told that if a man is bald in front, he's a thinker.
If he's bald in back, he's a lover.
If he's bald in the front and back, he thinks he's a lover.
Since I'm getting bald on the top, I've got to keep track of which way it goes-to the front or back, to find out which I am.
My wife generally gets the last word. 'Charles, you always had such wavy hair. Now it's just waving goodbye dear.'
I'm not going to lose hair by worrying about losing hair. I told her that grass doesn't grow on a busy street.
After I'm gone my 'numb skull' will be nothing more than a 'death head.' Don't remove my wig. Bald, shmald, who cares? It's my hair. I paid for it I own it!