Mike Zielinski

Mike Zielinski

As good Americans we’re taught to follow our leaders and watch our parking meters.

Our president says he was taking hydroxychloroquine to insulate himself from COVID-19 against the advice of many medical professionals who said the drug was about as effective against the coronavirus as a flyswatter stopping a charging rhino.

Nevertheless, our president has been pitching hydroxychloroquine like a snake oil salesman -- once again demonstrating that he is not a man of science.

A study of 96,000 hospitalized coronavirus patients on six continents found that those who received hydroxychloroquine, or the closely related drug chloroquine, had a significantly higher risk of death compared with those who did not. They also were more likely to develop a type of irregular heart rhythm, or arrhythmia, that can lead to sudden cardiac death.

Be that as it may, the president is our leader and I must follow the leader.

So I’ve decided to ignore doctors and take a heretical approach to treating my body like a temple.

To keep my liver fluid, I’m going to drown in it hard liquor – no easy task these days with curbside pickup at state stores.

To keep my cholesterol under control and keep my arteries flowing like freshly built sewer lines, I’ll make sure my diet is high in fat, salt and sugar while low in nutrients such as calcium, omega-3 fatty acids and fiber.

To guard against high blood pressure, I’m going to gorge myself on table salt by the case, pickles by the barrel, processed meat by the deli counter and French fries by the fast-food franchise.

To protect my arthritic back and knees, I’m going to make like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his Mr. Olympia prime and do heavy bent-over barbell rows and heavy squats.

To ensure that my reflexes stay sharp, I’m going to drive in the approaching lane and only cross over to the safety of the correct lane when a heavy tractor-trailer is inches from my front bumper.

I could go on and on but unless you have to be briefed on how to eat your morning cornflakes, you get the point by now.

Mike Zielinski, a resident of Berks County, is a columnist, novelist, playwright and screenwriter.

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