Sleep Like A Zombie Mattress Company
Dear Mr. or Ms. or Whatever Gender You Identify As:
I am applying for the position of mattress tester with your company. I have been preparing for this job my whole life. In fact, I have slept away approximately a third of my life in so doing.
Steeled with this wealth of experience gained from my on-the-mattress training, I am confident that I am uniquely qualified to be the best mattress tester your company has ever employed.
That is because I have extensive lumbar and cervical stenosis and scoliosis. In plain English that means my spine has more doglegs than the world’s most challenging golf courses. It would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than to squeeze through one of my spine’s narrow canals.
Which means my train wreck of a back with its disintegrating discs will instantly and painfully find even the slightest lumps in your mattresses that you can fix before selling them. And with a lump-less mattress on the market, your sales will soar like a SpaceX Falcon Heavy rocket.
I so hope you will feel compassion for my plight. I used to be a lion tamer and an elephant trainer in the circus before our righteous world of today canceled those professions.
I then turned to standup comedy. But it was a short-term gig because (a.) my back prevents me from standing still longer than 4.5 minutes and (b.) because you cannot joke about anything in our cancel culture climate because everything is offensive to somebody.
Indeed, if you joke about butter, you immediately have the margarine people all over your back. And since my back is subject to break in the slightest breeze, you can only imagine what a burden that would place on my splintered spine.
My only job reference is my wife who can vouch that I am at my best when I am totally zonked out on our mattress. By the way, does your company offer a 15 percent employee discount on new mattresses?
Just so you know that if you choose not to hire me, President Biden will have to include the rebuilding of my spine with rods, clamps, screws, bridges and sundry other erector-set hardware in his infrastructure bill. And you just know what that added cost will do to the rate of inflation.
So please think of America as well as me.
Hoping to hear from you in the near future, I remain sincerely yours.
Michael “Z-z-z-z” Zielinski
Mike Zielinski, a resident of Berks County, is a columnist, novelist, playwright and screenwriter.