The Biden Administration has been laser focused on climate change, stressing that this matter is profoundly urgent or otherwise we all soon will be treading water in boiling temperatures.
While I love lobster, I sure as heck don’t want to boil like one in hot water. That’s too harsh on the skin.
Granted, the other day when 20 inches of snow transformed my property into a mountain of white frosting suitable enough to be a scene in the next Frozen movie, I wasn’t necessarily preoccupied with global warming.
Rather as I watched the snowflakes manically pile up on my deck, I got to know what Custer must have felt like at the Battle of the Little Bighorn.
But the big snow dump in Berks County made me think about my version of climate change. I think President Biden should appoint a task force to come up with a plan to alter weather patterns in the United States.
For instance, how about Berks County swaps weather with San Diego or Palm Springs or Miami or Phoenix? Works for me. Of course, Berks swapping weather with Fargo or Anchorage or Boston or Denver doesn’t work for me.
Am I asking the impossible here? Of course. Wouldn’t it be simpler for me to just move to a warm climate? Absolutely not. Have you seen all the clutter in my basement? It would take me 20 years to pack up all that crap.
Just so you know, I’m not simply being selfish here. This is about equality in America. Weather justice if you will. It is blatantly unjust that some of us freeze our tooshies off chugging hot coffee every winter while others bask in the sun sipping lemonade.
Unless you’re a skier or Frosty the Snowman, winters around here are about as exciting as warts. Not so in Boca Raton, where nothing less than a court order is going to get you to stop smiling.
Far be it for me to tell the president how to do his job. Especially with everybody else in the country doing so. But if I may make a suggestion, please do not make this Weather Pattern Swap task force bipartisan.
Because if you have Marjorie Taylor Greene and AOC, also known as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, sitting next to each other, nothing will get done except for a long list of name calling and hair pulling.
In fact, keep Congress out of this. Partisan gridlock has paralyzed Congress. Molasses moves faster and with a lot less hot air.
Instead, stock this panel with meteorologists. Cecily Tynan, Glenn “Hurricane” Schwartz, Kate Bilo, Kathy Orr, Dan Skeldon, Al Roker and Ginger Zee come to mind for starters.
It would be great if The Hippy Dippy Weatherman also could be on the team but, alas, the late George Carlin now is floating up there with the cumulus clouds.
Science is not my forte, but there must be a way to utilize high-energy laser beams to redirect weather patterns on demand.
In fact, President Biden should simply sign an executive order mandating that the Weather Pattern Swap task force have enough funds to fill our friendly, blue skies with weather lasers.
After all, he’s already signed executive orders on every other conceivable issue.
Mike Zielinski, a resident of Berks County, is a columnist, novelist, playwright and screenwriter.